Life as an experiment

So, all these things that I've said have been entirely true.
And yet, being that I'm a paradox, and my life is a paradox,
in many cases it is also possible that the complete opposite is also true.

Sometimes in life, it's just something that some people do,
well they fall in love with someone they know nothing about.
In this particular case, I was attacked rather viciously by these unreasonable feelings.
The point of the matter is, some people, when presented with a lack of information
tend to fill in the gaps with elements from their subconscious dream world.
Welcome to my life.

I rarely have nightmares. So naturally I tend to expect the best in people,
however the worst possible thing that a person can do, it seems, is be silent.
Because silence suggests a lack of interest. Lack of interest suggests lack of care.
And then, beyond this, it gets rather complicated and difficult to describe.

Nonetheless, if I could only reciprocate this lack of care, then everything would return to normal.
I could feel, you know, like maybe I was 35% of a good person.
But, if I care, and the other does not, then I feel much like 0% of a good person.
But then, if I can forget the care that I pretty much invented out of thin air…
and, perhaps I can…

… just seems to necessitate a horrible selfishness.
Although mayhaps that's alright. Sure wish I'd brought my coffee in here.

Do I wish to be sane?
Difficult to decide.
But then, no, it's black and white, really.
I do wish to be sane.
I could paint a lovely picture of a scenario in which I am sane, and also free to pursue happiness,
and it is better, I think, than an image wherein I am insane and free to pursue happiness.
However, insanity is actually bondage, I think, so, perhaps I couldn't paint a picture wherein I am insane and free to pursue happiness. Free to wish for happiness, sure.
BUT. Is sanity the negation of the wish for happiness?
THIS. is the clincher.

Howabout an image wherein I wish for happiness, but allow for unhappiness?
Well, hey, I know that picture. I do my best to live in it.
Sometimes the wish gets so large that the allowance has no real space to breathe.
And then I remind myself, between fits of massively improbable dreams, that the dreams are merely dreams. And I tell myself to stop dreaming, but I don't take myself seriously enough.

But then I do take myself seriously. I do. Because I really do recognise the nature of these dreams, that they are only best-case scenarios. There truly are worse things that could happen. Terrible things, and then not so terrible things. And I remember that the reality generally lies somewhere between terrible and wonderful. But I can never predict where exactly. So I begin to generate worst-case scenarios. I need to go get my coffee.

I would very much like to maintain my sanity.
But I can also imagine a scenario wherein I am insane, and it is perceived in a certain light by the other person, and the end result is a dissolution of insanity, which is really a great story, and I love a good story— but, really how feasible is that?

No great story was ever great if it was never capable of being true.
But, I'm reminded of philosophers, and scientific theorists, and how they're always talking about possible worlds, and all of that, and how no one really knows much about much, save that we seem to exist, and we seem to be conscious. It's a vast world, an essay in and of itself, I mean, were I to explain what any of this has to do with any of the rest of this, it would take paragraphs. At least one paragraph. Perhaps pages.


This is a good time to go get my coffee.