Want and not want

In my experience, there is nothing to which I can point and say, "This is good, and this is evil."
No, rather, there is want and not want. And if good and evil exist, they exist outside of this, and if I am to believe that there is a god, and that he is a good god, then I must believe that the good and evil are not really any of my concern.
So, how do I approach life? It is a creative process. You see, to accept that there is a good and an evil somewhere within the grasp of my understanding and experience, is to deny that I can create my own destiny. And to deny that I can create, denies me any feeling of personal worth. And, if there is a god, and if he is a good god, then he must wish me to feel that I am worth something.
I seem to need to work within the confines of my own heavily emotional biases. But I think that I can, that I must, seek to succeed, or I will not have anything at all to do, and will feel sorely depressed.

So, I supposed that I might be wrong on many accounts, as to how the world outside my dreams actually works. And I have been proven this to be true to an extent, that I truly am sort of lost in the world. This has caused a sore spot to develop on my heart, but I have remembered the science of my heart, such that I feel that I can and should do something about it.

So what do we have? Animal desire, complex emotional contingencies, the if-this-then-this of romance.
And I find myself faced with a very real choice, realer and more directly accessible than the choice between belief or disbelief in a god: should I be hopelessly in love, or should I attempt a more rational approach?

I have found that my desire for this girl is rather stable, indeed, I have found that any time I fall in love, I cannot cease to care until I have found that there is a better love to be found someplace else. Also, that every time I fall in love, I mean fall hard, it is very nearly impossible to consider that there might be any possibility of a better love someplace else. Because when I fall in love, I mean fall hard, my whole heart moves to a new position, to where suddenly the girl can do no wrong, none, absolutely none.

So, being that I cannot cease to care, I feel that to try to be rational about the whole thing, to question my desire, and to seek a more "reasonable" goal, denies my very nature. I would be fighting against the tide of my own heart, and with what? With what? With my brain. This might seem acceptable to some, but for me, this is unsatisfactory. Depressing. Detrimental to my health. Hah. But no, I know myself too well to try to do this. I do not want to do this, and so I simply can't, can't do it right, so I shouldn't try.

But I know what this decision sets me up for. Let downs. Heartache. Totally worth it, though. Because it also sets me up for the possibility of love. And that possibility frees me to move, to move with sincere creativity. And it's such a difficult goal— sincerity is no simple thing. How can I be creative, while at the same time taking in mind every single thing that I want? It's always this, this huge challenge, trying to find some way to explain myself to others, to not speak counter to my reality, while also satisfying their need for continuity in explanation. To be honest, my reality is not, by nature, continuous, not spotlessly clean. It's complex, highly so. And it's a bit messy at the moment, but I'm trying to clear that up; although I wish that I could just experience it, and be trusted, and say strange things all the time, and be loved for that. A million wishes. A million. I trudge through them all day and night.

For the moment, ah, for the moment, I am forced to continue to love the girl. It is an animal thing. And I think that she can appreciate that. And I can see that appreciation remaining stable, in some sense, such that we might not need to be at odds, though her current trajectory appears to be a plane away. And then, it isn't impossible to think that a stable appreciation might become something different. Stability is nice.
But I don't know, again, I could be wrong about her appreciation. I just hope that it is so. I've always hoped things such as this. Yes, even against commonly accepted rationality.

And if all these hopes are capable of being satisfied, some day, though I swim through an ocean to get there, there is the possibility that life is not meaningless. And if life is not meaningless, then there must be a god. And if there is a god, then my approach should work. And if there isn't. Then I've gone down fighting.